I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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