A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
