I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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