i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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