just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It all started with a game of naked twister.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
