11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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