I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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