she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
