I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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