What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
