Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
