Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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