i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
