There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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