My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
