My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Randomize
