Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
