You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
