speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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