there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
