That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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