Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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