so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
