guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
