even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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