it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
