babies were throwing up all over the place
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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