Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
