Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
