the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My cat gives me a boner
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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