I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
