it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
