I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
