Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am one with the molecules
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
