false alarm. still invincible.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
