Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
