I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
