i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
