I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
