she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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