this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
