1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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