I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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