remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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