If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
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