I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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