did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
