I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
