So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
