went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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