I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
