I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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