i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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