I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
