I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
