I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
