you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
