I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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