On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
